Keeping your word

I had a person who calls himself a pastor or shepherd. That's suppose to be my pastor or shepherd tell me he would meet me and my husband at a building I'm planning on renting and putting a Christian Bookstore in to walk the building and pray with us about it while we're there. Right before he was suppose to meet us he calls and cancels for what I found out later was to help his daughter-in-law move a bed. I guess that couldn't wait 45 minutes max to meet us for something that was important to us, members of his flock.
My Husband thinks that if it was meant to be for him to be there he would have been there. I'm afraid I don't see things exactly like that. Since he's up until recently, would cancel our bible study for one reason or another. Since we and and another couple, plus him and his wife, were the only ones attending, it was usually because the other couple couldn't make it or his wife was out of town. My thought on this is either we're a church or not. If we are we have our regular bible study regardless, if not let's just call it a bible club and get it over with.

Needless to say the Saturday after he canceled meeting us was our regular bible study. Now if you know me you know that I can't pretend to act like everything is O.K. when it's not. His wife kept wanting to know what was wrong, I kept saying that I was O.K., which at the time I was, but she kept persisting. So it finally got to me enough that I finally told her that I was upset with Robert because he canceled on something that was extremely important to me, but I was over it. She kept pushing and saying "No you're not." Finally I had enough of that and said. "No, I'm over asking help from any of you for anything." I had to walk out and told my Husband we needed to leave.
Now I feel like the door is closed as far as anything having to do with the Bible Study, other than to the extent of just showing up, because my Husband still wants to go. . They want me to lead Praise and Worship, once the church is started, but I'm not doing that.
I'm sure they're going to think that I'm holding a grudge, but I frankly don't care.

Stepping off into nothingness

I'm finding that my life is becoming like that scene in Indiana Jones, where he's having to step off a cliff into what looks like nothingness. When he finally gets the courage to step off the cliff, he finds that there are steps he couldn't see.
Welcome to my world.. Trying not to fear what could happen, but knowing that the only way across is to trust God with whatever the future holds.. Not knowing if I'll succeed or fail, but knowing I have to at least try. If I don't at least try, I'll never know if I could do it or not.

Nothing speaks

I'm in a place where nothing I read, or hear, speaks to me. Nothing.. Isolated, alone. Everything is still.. No breeze.. No still small voice.. Just silence and stillness. I'll just sit here and wait for something, anything to spark around me, to let me know that I still matter.. What I think or feel still matters.
Honestly it really doesn't matter to me whether it happens or not. I can be here, and live here. Even if it is all by myself. After all I've been here before.. It's funny when I think about it, because, if this is a trick and Satan is just trying to mess with me, then he's wasting his energy, because like I said, I've been here before.
If it's God trying to stretch my faith, then I guess He thinks it's worth it, for the journey, He's fixing to take me on. Which for me I guess is all a matter of trust and reliance on His will for me.