Focus

Does anyone besides me ever feel like that their focus is way off where it needs to be? Has anyone ever started a project knowing that God had opened the door for it happened, but in the process of just doing what needs to be done, everything got bogged down in the doing and there was no resting??

Worrying unnecessarily

Why do we see small things in the eyes of God as great big huge things in our own site? If we simply hand our problem and our own thinking of how things should be done, it is taken care of in a way that can only be God. We just have to take our hands off of it and leave it with Him. Let Him handle it in HIS time and in HIS way..

Keeping your word

I had a person who calls himself a pastor or shepherd. That's suppose to be my pastor or shepherd tell me he would meet me and my husband at a building I'm planning on renting and putting a Christian Bookstore in to walk the building and pray with us about it while we're there. Right before he was suppose to meet us he calls and cancels for what I found out later was to help his daughter-in-law move a bed. I guess that couldn't wait 45 minutes max to meet us for something that was important to us, members of his flock.
My Husband thinks that if it was meant to be for him to be there he would have been there. I'm afraid I don't see things exactly like that. Since he's up until recently, would cancel our bible study for one reason or another. Since we and and another couple, plus him and his wife, were the only ones attending, it was usually because the other couple couldn't make it or his wife was out of town. My thought on this is either we're a church or not. If we are we have our regular bible study regardless, if not let's just call it a bible club and get it over with.

Needless to say the Saturday after he canceled meeting us was our regular bible study. Now if you know me you know that I can't pretend to act like everything is O.K. when it's not. His wife kept wanting to know what was wrong, I kept saying that I was O.K., which at the time I was, but she kept persisting. So it finally got to me enough that I finally told her that I was upset with Robert because he canceled on something that was extremely important to me, but I was over it. She kept pushing and saying "No you're not." Finally I had enough of that and said. "No, I'm over asking help from any of you for anything." I had to walk out and told my Husband we needed to leave.
Now I feel like the door is closed as far as anything having to do with the Bible Study, other than to the extent of just showing up, because my Husband still wants to go. . They want me to lead Praise and Worship, once the church is started, but I'm not doing that.
I'm sure they're going to think that I'm holding a grudge, but I frankly don't care.

Stepping off into nothingness

I'm finding that my life is becoming like that scene in Indiana Jones, where he's having to step off a cliff into what looks like nothingness. When he finally gets the courage to step off the cliff, he finds that there are steps he couldn't see.
Welcome to my world.. Trying not to fear what could happen, but knowing that the only way across is to trust God with whatever the future holds.. Not knowing if I'll succeed or fail, but knowing I have to at least try. If I don't at least try, I'll never know if I could do it or not.

Nothing speaks

I'm in a place where nothing I read, or hear, speaks to me. Nothing.. Isolated, alone. Everything is still.. No breeze.. No still small voice.. Just silence and stillness. I'll just sit here and wait for something, anything to spark around me, to let me know that I still matter.. What I think or feel still matters.
Honestly it really doesn't matter to me whether it happens or not. I can be here, and live here. Even if it is all by myself. After all I've been here before.. It's funny when I think about it, because, if this is a trick and Satan is just trying to mess with me, then he's wasting his energy, because like I said, I've been here before.
If it's God trying to stretch my faith, then I guess He thinks it's worth it, for the journey, He's fixing to take me on. Which for me I guess is all a matter of trust and reliance on His will for me.

What to do...

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the feelings of "what are we going to do??".. I'm not sure of anything other than I feel like I'm being sucked down into the quicksand of my circumstances.. I don't even know when or how I got in this .. I have just realized that I wake up this way, and I dwell on it all day long. If I just can remember to get up thankful to be able to get up everyday.. I might be able to get through this..

He's just like me

My youngest son, is a lot like me.. Which is highly irritating to me.. When he tries to get me to change my mind on something concerning him, his arguments make a lot of sense, so it's hard to find a defense against them other than, "because I said so." He's 18 and still lives at home.. That's the only reason why that line still holds water..

The Kingdom of God

What is that really? In the context of "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you." What does that mean exactly?? When you're faced with tithing, feeding your family, or paying your bills.. It seems like tithing doesn't seem as important as the rest.. That's with the assumption that the "seek ye first" reference is concerning that.. If it is then we should tithe first, then do the rest.. I've never seen in the bible where it says, pay your bills first, then tithe.. Even though when it comes to eating or paying bills, bills seem to be first. I can live without, cable tv, internet, phone, unfortunately some in my household can't. So the bills get paid, then we eat, then if there is any left, we tithe. Sad isn't it?

Swift Kick/ Resting and Knowing

Have you ever had someone in your life that you just want to go up to and give a swift kick and say, "What is the matter with you??" Have you ever been that very person? I have.. I have had times in my life where I've rolled things around in my head, sometimes for days. Then somehow I would get the answer, and it was usually a simple answer. I had just let the noise of my thoughts get too loud for the "quiet" answer to get through. Then I would say to myself "What's wrong with you??"
Sometimes it was the Holy Spirit trying to tell me something new, but most of the time it was a case of I knew the answer all the time, because I had been there in some form or fashion before. I just was looking at the problem, instead of looking for the answer.
Here lately it's been that I have been over thinking things, instead of just resting in the peace of God. Doing what I know to do, until He tells me something else to do. Even if I don't particularly like what I'm doing at the time. If He hasn't told me to move, I stay put. That is where I fight most of my battles. Learning how to just do what I know I'm suppose to be doing, and not looking to the right or left, but keep my focus on Him.

Enjoying where I'm at

That is from time to time the most difficult part of this walk that I'm on.. Not really liking where I'm at, and wanting to be somewhere else, spiritually as well as physically. Not realizing the opportunities that God has laid out before me right here where I'm at. The opportunities to help someone else, either by word or deed... Not realizing that someone might be watching me react to the situation "I'd rather not be in, by being where I'd rather not be." How even though, I'd rather not be here, God has me right where He wants me, either to learn to crucify my flesh(my own wants and desires), or to be His hand in any situation that might come.

Got Me Thinking

Someone's blog I read today http://jmcq.blogspot.com/ got me thinking.. If we are spiritual beings living in fleshly bodies, that means we have some sort of control on how much we let the fleshly and the spiritual part control us. Not that I'm saying we walk around in some sort of flower child denial that God knows what's going on in our immediate lives and either will do something about it or not, but that we choose how we react to the things that do happen day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Sometimes it comes down to the choices we make minute to minute that determine if we go forward. I know personally that I have to sometimes get control of my thoughts that way, in order to not wallow in self pity, or react emotionally to things that I know are emotional triggers for me. As you know if you've read any of my previous blog entries, usually concern my parents. A lot of people call it "self talk".
My personal belief is that Satan only knows what you speak.. He can't read your mind, only God can. If you agree or disagree that's a personal choice.

God continually surprises me

It is becoming apparent that I'm going to be using the same subjects over again at different points in my journey with this blog.
Have you ever been shown something by God (or the Holy Spirit), that was so simple, but at the same time was left you in awe of everything that is God? That's what is happening with me right now. God is showing me the simpleness of walking with Him and the awesomely simple way that it can be to be one of His children. He is also reteaching me how to hear His voice. Which is kinda cool.

Will I ever???

Will I ever quit letting the same things get to me week after week? Or is it those very things that keep me wanting to stay hidden in the arms of God?  Under those big, massive, loving, gentle, caring arms.   I hope it's the latter.  If not,  then it's actually Satan playing around with my emotions.  I guess it's all in how I look at it as to who's winning.  My attitude determines if I'm going to be continually  used as  a punching bag for Satan, or a child  looking for the comfort of her heavenly Father's arms, because she's confused and hurt and a little sore from the constant spiritual punching.   

Wait

Has anyone really researched what the word wait actually implies? Does it mean just sitting on our hands and doing nothing? It doesn't mean not doing anything but worrying. Some people think if they're not doing anything, they need to worry about doing nothing. Or keep thinking the "what if's" of doing nothing.
To me waiting means not thinking about the situation. Trusting God with the outcome. Which means trusting Him with the details. That's the how and why. Trust me it probably won't get solved in the time you would like or the manner that you would like, but it will be handled.
Wait, but still do the normal stuff(except the normal worrying).

Coming soon

Well, we're going to start having bible study at the house starting on next Wednesday.  I sure hope that people are ministered to and set free but most of all I hope that people can get thier needs met spiritually, as well as physically.  I hope that people don't come here and leave with more chains on them than when they walked in the front door.  I hope the person that's leading the Bible study will be acute to what the Holy Spirit is doing, and not ignore that small quiet voice.   

Parents

My parents have been married for close to 50 years. I don't understand how they've been married for so long. They've tolerated each other, but I don't think they've ever been happy with each other.
Every once in a while my dad threatens to fix the car so that she can't go to work, or takes the keys, because she won't clean the house. He keeps doing it like she's going to one day realize that she needs to clean the house. Which this has been going on ever since I've been alive, and it still hasn't made her do anything different.
Sometimes I feel like the parent.
I wish they would either live in seperate places or just resolve themselves to being miserable with each other. So I could get some peace.

Buying cards

Every Mother's Day I have the same delema.  Since my Mom and I never had a loving nuturing relationship, none of the cards that are appreciative seem to fit.  So I'm stuck with the humorous ones. Which alot of those don't fit us either.  

     I've always felt like my "showing up" on this earth was just an interruption in her life for the almost 18 years I lived at home. Loved and wanted by her, isn't the words I would have used to describe how I felt as a child.  Because I felt like  I wasn't wanted, I was extremely mouthy. I was intent on doing things my way, because I felt alone, and felt like if I didn't look out for myself, no one else was going to.   

     I'm almost 41 years old now, and the relationship she and I have is  better.  I guess in it's own way has evolved in the caring relationship that would have occured  otherwise, just a little scarred.     

    My daddy wasn't around alot, because he was a truck driver.  He and I got along great.  He spent alot of time with me when he was home.   I really felt loved by him, because he actually cared about me and would take time with me to just talk with me.  

I hope I can remember this

I wish sometimes I could have a recorder with me all the time to remind me of the "light-bulb" moments that I have. I think I need to start journaling again, so I will have some way of recalling things that the Holy Spirit shows me.

I was watching Melissa Scott and she was teaching on Eph 4:1-7. It was a simple thing but as you and I both know the simple things that are shown to us are sometimes HUGE.

The first thing was 4:1 the word worthy , which if you look it up in Strongs it actual is suppose to read worthily. Which says volumes. Which to me means you ain't gotta walk or be or live perfect. You just have to be willing to walk worthily.

Another thing is we ( by we I mean I) pray like we think God has absolutely no idea what's going on with us. Yes he wants us to pray about things, but I'm realizing that He wants us to pray to submit the situation to Him. I'm beginning to realize that we're here to be a help to each other, but especially to people that don't know God. If we do that, then he'll take care of our essential needs. I'm also beginning to believe that most of our prayers need to be either thanksgiving type prayers, or submission to His will type prayers.

What do you think about that??

Lessons Learned

If I've learned nothing else, it's to keep it simple. When it comes right down to the walking this thing out. It's always to come back to trusting God, and knowing no matter what, He knows what's best. It's a simple thing, but yet it holds so much.
It is also so easy to forget, especially when things of life are being thrown in front of our face on a constant basis. The overwhelming feeling of drowning in the circumstances that surround us. Since we can't really see what "good" this is doing us, to think that we're reaping what we've sown for some sort of lacking of faith in days past, or this is suppose to teach us something about dying to self.
When in all actuality it could be God trying to get us to trust Him with a part of our lives we've desperatly held on to for too long. Or we could be focusing on the circumstances that surround us instead of Him.
That is usually true in my case. I do more thinking than I do praying. When I'm faced with things. For some reason I think God can actually hear what I'm thinking, so He knows what's going on. Instead of of telling Him how I'm feeling or what I'm afraid of. I think that if Satan can get my thoughts off the truth of God, then the battle is won. I hope to get to the place where I can know right away when a thought enters my mind, if it's fear or faith.